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After five days worth of unsuccessful video renders, I have finally managed to complete this project by transferring all of the project files to my old Windows 7 machine and rendering it there. At some point in my harrowing misadventure I just started typing random obscenities into the box where it asked me what I wanted the file name to be, so you are all currently watching ButtFart.wmv. (Incidentally, this is similar to the method by which my YouTube username came into existence.)